When I was writing "'Real' Love letter to Man" a bunch of crap started coming to mind. So this is to all that I actually know.
Just to add in; an apology. And this not just for you Man, but for those close to me. Anyone who knows me really. I truthfully don't mean to this, but I wasn't brought up knowing or learning how to interact with people on a personal level. I wasn't allowed friends as a child, wasn't allowed outside of my house without adult supervision, I was that weird kid that stuck to themselves in the corner, and was made fun of even by their so-called "friends". I was bullied and abandon on all emotional levels. Also being physically, verbally, sexually, and psychologically abused from 4 to 19 by various outsiders and siblings made me very awkward with the human race. And all the other traumatic events that have occurred in my life. I was terrified of people and still am in a way. I actually have a people phobia--Anthrophobia. And I have anxiety of groups and connecting on a personal level. As well as I wasn't taught to be an individual, I was taught to make people like me no matter what. To conform if I have to. Even to lie if I h.ad to in order to get people interested in me or like me. To never be who I am. Over the years I lost myself and ended up losing who I am. And I really don't know how to express who I am either. At home we didn't actually speak to communicate, we wrote. So speaking to others is new territory for the adult me thrust into society without a guide and a warped sense of being and life. I don't know how to make friends, have them or keep them. Not used to being close to others. With my personality I have been continuously used and taken advantaged of people I wanted to love me, that I wanted to be my friends or boyfriends, people who are supposed to care for me like family. Never being able to show my true feelings and pain thinking it will annoy, hurt, or make people leave me. Not acclimated to the ways of actual people not my family that's one reason sometimes I say things thinking they are appropriate but can sometimes hurt or annoy people when I'm not trying to be. Me trying to be friends or fit in or whatever you would like to call it can be taken in different ways not necessarily the way I meant. I have never had the intentions to hurt the persons I genuinely care for. I don't know how to socialize, I'm awkward, I can't afford to seek treatment, and am to stupid to figure it out myself on how to become a better and more adjusted and honest and sensitive person. Maybe someday I will, but it is hard to see that. To me it's difficult to see people liking me or loving me in anyway. Which I know is my own downfall at times. Socializing with those close to me and those not to me is TRULY DIFFICULT for me. And honestly I AM SORRY and I love you all. Sorry in advance to all.
Just to add in; an apology. And this not just for you Man, but for those close to me. Anyone who knows me really. I truthfully don't mean to this, but I wasn't brought up knowing or learning how to interact with people on a personal level. I wasn't allowed friends as a child, wasn't allowed outside of my house without adult supervision, I was that weird kid that stuck to themselves in the corner, and was made fun of even by their so-called "friends". I was bullied and abandon on all emotional levels. Also being physically, verbally, sexually, and psychologically abused from 4 to 19 by various outsiders and siblings made me very awkward with the human race. And all the other traumatic events that have occurred in my life. I was terrified of people and still am in a way. I actually have a people phobia--Anthrophobia. And I have anxiety of groups and connecting on a personal level. As well as I wasn't taught to be an individual, I was taught to make people like me no matter what. To conform if I have to. Even to lie if I h.ad to in order to get people interested in me or like me. To never be who I am. Over the years I lost myself and ended up losing who I am. And I really don't know how to express who I am either. At home we didn't actually speak to communicate, we wrote. So speaking to others is new territory for the adult me thrust into society without a guide and a warped sense of being and life. I don't know how to make friends, have them or keep them. Not used to being close to others. With my personality I have been continuously used and taken advantaged of people I wanted to love me, that I wanted to be my friends or boyfriends, people who are supposed to care for me like family. Never being able to show my true feelings and pain thinking it will annoy, hurt, or make people leave me. Not acclimated to the ways of actual people not my family that's one reason sometimes I say things thinking they are appropriate but can sometimes hurt or annoy people when I'm not trying to be. Me trying to be friends or fit in or whatever you would like to call it can be taken in different ways not necessarily the way I meant. I have never had the intentions to hurt the persons I genuinely care for. I don't know how to socialize, I'm awkward, I can't afford to seek treatment, and am to stupid to figure it out myself on how to become a better and more adjusted and honest and sensitive person. Maybe someday I will, but it is hard to see that. To me it's difficult to see people liking me or loving me in anyway. Which I know is my own downfall at times. Socializing with those close to me and those not to me is TRULY DIFFICULT for me. And honestly I AM SORRY and I love you all. Sorry in advance to all.
